Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
