Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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