you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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