she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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