Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize