i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
