I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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