Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
