Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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