I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I just found a bag of teeth...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.