i'm signing you up for texting rehab
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity