Soap is not a condiment
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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