Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑