I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.