my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
