yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
