Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
