is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
