alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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