dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
