I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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