Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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