apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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