i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
