i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
