I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
