I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
