Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
