this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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