my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
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I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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