all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
