so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
its liver damage thursday
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
