If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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