There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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