I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
