I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Randomize
