Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
