Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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