when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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