Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
