saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
