he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
