2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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