i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
