Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
