I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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