i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
