I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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