the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
