I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
