I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
