My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
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When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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