My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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