Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
