bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
