I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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