Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
