I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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