I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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