you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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